i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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