Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
