TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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