I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
My dick has a subreddit
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
