Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
This couple is walking their pig around campus
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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