You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
dude. I can hear the air.
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