Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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