it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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