i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
