My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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