I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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