You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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