you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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