When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
