Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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