Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I bet he comes in French.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
