Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Randomize
