I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
