I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
