sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
