Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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