Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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