i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
