I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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