are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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