first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I need a burrito and a hug.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
