I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
