I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
