I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
