Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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