I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize