I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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