Well douche your snatch and let's go!
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize