i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
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