On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
