Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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