How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
