Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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