splinters make it hard to masturbate
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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