do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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