Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Randomize
