the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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