another moral hangover. fuck.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
