We won't sleep together?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
