Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
