How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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