tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
