I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
