Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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