the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
