It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
