I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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