Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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