you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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