New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
is it fun? or sober?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
